B Movies could very well be the greatest mechanism to bring about social change since Coca Cola stopped lacing their beverages with coke. That is to say if you are paying attention. Just imagine how blissful life would be if women wore bras as often as they did in 70s B Movies. Furthermore on up that road, imagine what you could do with all that extra time spent scheming on how to get the hot girl into bed. What if, like in 90s B Movies, it didn’t take a character reference, three forms of ID and a picture of Eve Arden to get her into bed. That extra time and the out of the box (pun intended) thinking could be put to find a cure for cancer or aids. Maybe someone could find a reasonable explanation of why leagues continue to insist on putting sports teams in Florida.
With that in mind, we slide over to the serious nature of why we believe god invented B movies.
1. Your life sucks and he wants to rub it in.
We at Popcorn Sushi loves us a whole lot of Wings Hauser. However, we should be honest. He’s not that much of a looker. Wings would check into the B Movie world with Bedroom Eyes II. The original starred equally average Joe Tim Mathieson opposite Mimi Rogers.
Wings and Tim are getting Mimi Rogers in their films. As much as you like to trumpet Snarls, your stuffed bear’s performance in your last short feature, he’s just not Mimi Rogers. As well, following unwanted overtures from you, Snarls walk.
In conclusion, it is Popcorn Sushi’s belief that God created B Movies as a way to bring shame down on your ass. Apparently, he felt your mom wasn’t doing a good enough job
2. He wants to call attention to the shady bra manufacturing world
The world of B Movies have been on a vigil against the bra manufacturing industry since the relaxing of censorship codes in the late sixties. This has been welcome news for teenage boys everywhere. Furthermore, it has helped the movie industry from top to bottom.There is an old Hollywood myth. A director was caught in the middle of a boring exposition scene. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make it interesting. Out of desperation, he remembered what is father told him long ago. “Son, we can’t all have fancy plots in our films but we can have breasts.”
With that, he had all the actresses do the scene topless and French cinema was born.
3. You can’t spell Marvel without a B.
Face it, the Super Hero genre would be nowhere without the B Movie. Though it is A list material these days, the fantastical has never been thought of as high art. As well, until recent times, no one in their right mind would throw 200 million dollars at a project. Science fiction films have always been around. Cinema pioneer Georges Melies was dabbling in the genre at the turn of the 20th century. So there! You have something else to thank the French for.
4. We would still be singing “Hello, Dolly!”
What do Martin Scorsese, James Cameron,Ron Howard, Bruce Dern, Peter Bogdanovich, Jack Nicholson, and Francis Ford Coppola have in common? No, it’s not that they all dated Joni Mitchell. Each were employed by B Movie king Roger Corman.
Where Roger Corman’s place is in the history is in anyone’s guess. As witnessed by the names above, he had an unparalleled eye for talent. The names above is but a small sample of people he gave a start to. His willingness to allow unheard of names to direct pictures, and still make money off them, was astounding.
So, yes, God invented B Movies because he needed Roger Corman to come and save cinema.
